I want so much to pull myself up and out from this dark well. I have overcome so much in my life and I know that I am capable of this. But the self-talk is suffocating. It is challenging and it tests me everyday. I have worked hard my whole life to improve my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy. It is bewildering how much effect a single cause has had on me. Nevertheless, it is what it is.
Regaining mobility helps my confidence but my mind is it’s own enemy. The mind is capable of brilliance, intelligent thought, and infinite imagination but it is also dangerous. It can lead me to believe the worst in myself and these past few days it has taunted me like a playground bully and made me feel so low.
I feel reclusive, yet lonely. It’s such a confusing time. I feel like a burden on myself and others because I am usually a rock. Seeing my vulnerable reflection is both cathartic and confronting. As I try so hard to find words to portray how I am feeling, I realise the less I understand about it at all. I guess I just have to surrender. The curse of being a philosophical, deep thinker is not helping me move forward.
Through surrendering I may find peace and a sense of hope. This is easier said than done. I realise the disillusionment of control. As I struggle to do the most basic task such as tying my hair up in a ponytail tail, I think of what I can do in this moment. I can breathe, all my senses are in tact, I can walk, talk, I can feel. I can also write about it. Writing and creativity, for me, is healing.
The crushing injury I experienced last Friday was not just physical; it was soul-crushing. I am grateful for the love I feel around me and I am grateful for my life. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t contemplated death in the past few days. I think of how I’d feel if I was permanently disabled, If I’d lost my husband or vice versa. I imagine not being able to play the piano or guitar in the same way. I think of my loved ones and all that I wish to achieve in life. But the end will come with no prior notice. Swiftly. In seconds entire lives can change. I have contemplated the question: if Friday had been the end of my life would I be content with the life I have lived so far and the person that I am? I am not sure of the answer as I am not sure of anything right now. At the very least I hope people remember me as a good person.
I guess this incident has been a painful reminder to live in every moment, even in these dark ones. I hope to soon find motivation, optimism, perspective, and understanding but for now I will try to surrender and watch the universe take its course around me, as I am but one insignificant piece in this puzzle we call life.
Listening to “Breathe” by Katie Noonan & “Heal over” by KT Tunstall
