Fragile: handle with care

I would like to think that I am a resilient, independent being. I will usually work through my own problems and bring solutions forward rather than just complain about them. I am organised, I plan ahead to minimise stress,  and attempt to exude calm even in difficult situations. But all of this counted for very little when the unexpected occured and tested every fibre of my being.

I am working through a setback in self-esteem as I had just recovered from a cold and just completed a full week back at work. It was difficult earlier in the week as my health slowly improved and I eased into my work routine. By Friday afternoon I felt accomplished and ready to unwind. Then a tree branch fell and hit me in the garden of the Adelaide Fringe Festival. I sustained injuries on my left arm, wrist and left knee. Although the branch didn’t hit my head, my mind is not well and constantly reliving the seconds leading up to the incident. This was a dense branch belonging to an Australian gum tree, it was heavy and I am grateful the physical injury was not worse.

I am working through physical pain and a wave of emotions at present. My brain is filled with all manner of self-talk, very little of which is positive. Last night I cried. I cried a lot. I don’t know if I felt weak or strong through my tears but the curse of my over analytical mind didn’t just allow me to cry, I had to think about it. Despite being optimistic by nature, I feel very challenged right now to see past the trauma that was. I am solving simple logistics of having only my right hand to perform daily tasks.

Unless one experiences any kind of trauma or setback, I think it would be difficult to empathise with how I am feeling. My brain has allowed this emotional trauma to trigger other dark parts of my past and my body is suddenly remembering how pain from my personal history made me feel. It has affected me beyond the surface of the incident. As a performer, I also have a heightened sensitivity towards emotions as the study of human behaviour is a large part of my work. This perspective is hindering my progress in this moment. I feel frail, down, and confused. I hope time will heal my soul and I can move forward from this.